The 5 S’s: Using Feedback – Without Falling Into Over-Thinking
Let’s be honest—resilience gets thrown around like confetti these days.
“You need to be more resilient.”
“They need to get some grit”
“I need to learn to bounce back quicker like they do.”
You get feedback. You have learnt to nod. Smile. Maybe even though it hurts to hear the truth your training kicks in and you say, “Thanks, that’s helpful…let me take it away to reflect.”
Then… nothing changes.
Not because you’re lazy or in denial—but because feedback often leaves us with an unsettled feeling, more questions than answers. What exactly are we supposed to do with it?
And instead of doing…we ruminate…That rumination can pull you down and actually make the act of receiving feedback unhelpful – rather than the gift it was intended to be.
That’s why I developed the 5 S’s—a practical, people-first way to stop feedback becoming just another well-intentioned waste of time.
And ‘aye, here’s the rub’ (Yes I just won the bet to quote Shakespeare appropriately this week!):
Your brain loves the idea of change… but it absolutely hates the activity of it.
In one of my firm favourite books Immunity to Change, Harvard researchers Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey found that even when faced with life-or-death health advice, only 1 in 7 people actually make the change. So what’s your chances of changing something when it’s not life or death, just a bit of well-intentioned feedback? Explains a lot right?
So let’s make doing something with feedback simple, doable and science backed
1. STRETCH – Adapt your strength (or double down on it)
Sometimes feedback is about a strength that’s being overused or coming across the wrong way. There’s two ways to see this and therefore 2 different hacks to do something about it:
Option 1: Adapt and grow (the ‘Quick Tactic’ route)
Use the feedback to find a tactic that stretch your behaviour beyond what is comfortable – but is relatively easy to do. This is about refining your style without losing what makes you good.
Example:
“You’re too detail-focused.”
Rather than ditching the details, practise a sentence or two which means you lead with a quick headline, then share the detail. Let others know the big picture – why or where you are going – just before you do your brilliant deep dive!
Why it works:
You’re still you—but with wider appeal, attention grabbed and therefore broader impact.
Option 2: Make the downside matter less (the ‘Play The Strength Hard Card’)
Own the weakness and genuinely appreciate how annoying or inconvenient it can be for others —but become so good at the upside that people forgive or help you work around it.
Example:
You’re not great with admin, but you’re exceptional at relationships. If you’re honest about the admin gap, and your relationships are strong enough, people often step in to help—or simply learn not to be so irritated by it because they appreciate the exceptionally high value you bring elsewhere. But just remember not to dismiss their irritation. It is annoying, so you better had better be brilliant – and then some – in compensation!
Why it works:
You’re transparent, trusted, and using your strength to compensate rather than pretending the weakness doesn’t exist.
Nice link:
When that weakness does need attention—Stretch often flows into Source. That’s your next move.
2. SOURCE – Don’t DIY the fix
You don’t have to do this alone. If the feedback hits a genuine weakness—one that’s not easily fixed with a self-help book—then get real help from a real person.
What to do:
Identify someone who’s already great at it and borrow their brain.
Example:
You’re disorganised. But your teammate’s a time-blocking ninja. Ask them to show you how they do it – even better see if there is a trade to be done. They love sorting your admin pile, you love selling in their ideas to anyone who will listen and they tend to hide their light under a bushel…You can imagine the rest.
Why it works:
It taps into social learning, where observing and modelling others’ behaviours can lead to significant improvements. More on Albert Bandura’s work on this is summarised here.
There’s two bonuses to this tactic!
Firstly seeking support and viewing the process as an opportunity for growth, you move away from self-criticism and towards constructive change.Secondly you get the opportunity to collaborate, build human connections and develop really strong working partnership.
Win:Win:Win
3. STOP – Set limits
Some feedback is a warning sign. You’ve developed a habit that’s not just irritating—it’s doing damage.
I see this a lot with experienced leaders right now. Maybe a behaviour like telling ‘slightly’ inappropriate jokes at work was not called out for years and is now deeply embedded as part of a work persona…but now the world has changed. Your colleagues are generationally different and fabulously diverse…and you are in danger of being relegated to dinosaur status…or worse.
Check out my recent appearances on BBC Radio talking about ‘Men Behaving Badly’ in recent times. Let’s not get complacent though. It might be senior men at the heart of some of these cases but STOP applies to us all. Dulcie on the BBC.
What to do:
Find a practical tactic to interrupt the pattern.
Example:
“You interrupt too much in meetings.”
Your fix? Count to three before speaking. Literally. In your head.
Why it works:
It might feel like you’re 3 again and on the naughty step, but don’t knock it – the science backs it up:
“These tactics can help cool you off and focus your mind in the heat of the moment, so your prefrontal cortex has a chance to catch up and offer some sage advice.”
Verywell Mind – What Happens in Your Brain When You’re Angry
That little pause acts like a circuit breaker—cutting the emotional surge and giving your brain time to switch gears from reactive to responsive.
4. SHARE – Make feedback easier to give (and receive)
Want to make real change stick? Don’t go it alone. Make feedback a team sport.
What to do:
Invite someone to hold you accountable. Create a space where honest feedback in the moment doesn’t feel like a personal risk for them.
Example:
After a big presentation, instead of asking, “Was that OK?” try:
“What’s one thing I could do even better next time?”
Why it works:
You move from getting polite reassurance to meaningful insight about your Even Better If’s. I’ve spoken and written about the huge benefits of feedback in the moment. You can read more here
Read my article: The power of in the moment feedback
5. SHRUG – Choose not to act
Yes, really. Some feedback isn’t worth acting on. It might be someone projecting a frustration. Or simply a mismatch of style and preference. I love the Daniel Pink quote when I’m trying to please everyone, all the time “Make sure 10% of people hate your guts…” because probably if everyone likes everything we are doing, we are unlikely to be pushing the boundaries of what is possible, or even changing the status quo for the better.
Great leaders don’t aim for universal approval—they aim for …Instagram · danielpink1 month ago
What to do:
Take the insight. Notice it. Perhaps ask a wise mentor for feedback. Then let it go.
Example:
Someone says, “You’re too energetic in meetings.”
You got feedback last week from a team member lacking confidence that your energy lifted the team, and it’s never been flagged as disruptive by anyone else. And you just called out that this person hadn’t done something they said they would.
So you pause to reflect. And then move on. On purpose. Don’t linger and let that criticism it be an negative ear worm…
Why it works:
You save your emotional energy for the things that matter.
As Mel Robbins says in Let Them—sometimes, the most powerful response is: Let them think what they want.
Let Them – Mel Robbins
Practical strategies to build resilience
Here’s a quick video of me talking about ‘it’ over a cuppa.
Final thought: Feedback is Fuel-But Onliy if You Know What to Do With It
It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being coachable, curious, and courageous enough to ask: What now?
Here are 5 S’s in a nutshell:
- STRETCH
Option A: Find a stretch tactic, or:
Option B: Make downsides less relevant by upping a high value strength
- STOP – Break the bad habits. Now.
- SOURCE – Get help from someone brilliant
- SHARE – Make in the moment feedback safe to give you
- SHRUG – Not all feedback deserves airtime
And remember—feedback is only useful when it leads to action. If it’s just going to sit on your “things to think about later” list… you might as well have never heard it.
Worse you belittle the courage and time it took someone to bring it to your attention. Is that the you, you want to be?
They probably won’t bother next time…what’s the unintended consequence of that for you?
So. You got feedback. What’s your “S”. What’s one small thing you could do right now?
We listen. We understand. We are confident that we can create a bespoke solution
that really adds to your bottom line.
