Tears Are Welcome Here
In last week’s Tea Break Coach I talked about how in coaching, mentoring, or any leadership role, encountering strong emotions – be it tears, anger, or silence – can be challenging.
Our instinct might be to steer away, to “fix” the situation, or to move on quickly.
But what if we viewed these emotional expressions not as problems, but as signals pointing to something deeply significant?
When I am training leaders to coach on one of my accredited programmes, ‘tears’ often comes up as a topic my leaders want advice on.
“I asked a question that made them cry – I feel awful…”
Of course, I sense-check what they said to make sure it wouldn’t reduce anyone to tears! But after that, I usually reassure:
“Don’t worry. When people cry it is usually because you are touching on something really important to them. Emotion just means something matters.”
Understanding Emotional Expressions
Emotions are our brain’s way of highlighting what really matters.
When someone exhibits strong emotions, it’s often because we’ve touched upon something that is deeply important to them.
Those strong emotions can take them – and us – by surprise. They might apologise for expressing the tears:
“God I am so sorry, it’s ridiculous to be getting upset about such a silly thing…”
If we aren’t firmly in coach mode, tuned in and present, we might apologise too:
“No, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you…”
But what that response does is reinforce that the tears are an response to be avoided. It makes the emotion something to be apologised for. When they are in fact a clue that we are onto something that really matters. That ‘silly thing’ is unlikely to be silly at all. It means the two of you are onto something important.
Recognising this can transform our approach—from avoidance to curiosity and support.
The Neuroscience Behind Emotional Safety
Our brains are wired to seek safety.
When we feel threatened – emotionally or physically – the amygdala activates our “fight, flight, freeze or appease” response.
But when we feel safe, the prefrontal cortex – our thinking brain – stays engaged.
That sense of safety is known as psychological safety, and it allows for honesty, exploration, and growth.
By acknowledging and validating someone’s emotions, we help create that safety. And in doing so, we unlock the potential for deeper, more meaningful conversation.
Tears are Good!
Crying reduces stress – so conversely holding them in keeps our stress alive and well – with all of the long terms negative implications for our health that goes along with that.
When we cry we release oxytocin and endorphins. The tears can bring a sense of relief, that something is ‘out’ and this cocktail of positive chemicals give you a fighting chance of working the issue through. There is literally no time like the present!
Emotions as Information, Not Interruption
Emotions aren’t just reactions; they’re data. They guide decisions, reveal values, and influence how people show up.
By making space for emotion rather than brushing past it, we learn more about the person—and what’s really going on.
This mindset shift is critical for coaches and mentors. But it’s just as powerful for leaders to know about in their everyday conversations too.
A Top Right Question to Try
One of the most powerful coaching questions I’ve ever been asked came when I was tearful and trying to hold it together. My coach paused and gently said:
“Tears are welcome here. Take a minute. And when you’re ready, let’s explore what they mean for you?”
That single moment created safety, dignity, and permission.
I didn’t need to apologise. I didn’t feel embarrassed. I felt seen.
And when I was ready, we explored what really mattered. It was small but big if you know what I mean?!
Using This in Your Conversations
So what can you do when someone in front of you shows strong emotion?
Try this:
- Pause. Don’t rush to fix.
- Acknowledge: “It’s OK to feel that.”
- Then gently invite: “When you’re ready… let’s talk about what it means.”
Tears aren’t weakness. Strong emotion is a clue—not a crisis.
It means you’ve touched on something important and that someone trusted you enough to let it out in your company. Now your job is to help them gently unpick it.
FInal Thought
Creating space for emotion isn’t about being soft. It’s about being smart.
It’s about noticing what matters most to someone—and helping them work with it, rather than against it.
Let the emotion in. Welcome it. Then walk through it together.
We listen. We understand. We are confident that we can create a bespoke solution
that really adds to your bottom line.
