The Three Seats: A Simple Trick to Handle Difficult Conversations Without Making It Worse

Ever go into a tricky conversation totally prepared, only to come out wondering what on earth just happened?

You had your message straight. Your intentions were good. And yet… it veered off course, emotions ran high, and now you’re either stewing or second-guessing everything. Maybe you are busy fuming (and lying to yourself “I knew I shouldn’t have tried…”)

That’s where the Three Seats can come help.

I first stumbled across the idea in Crucial Conversations, another brilliant book that gets repeatedly stolen! Over the years I’ve given it a bit of my own spin.

Think of the Three Seats like a mental game of musical chairs—only you don’t get up and down, you just shift perspective.

It’s simple, science-backed, and helps you get out of your own head just long enough to deal with the tough stuff in front of you.

Seat 1: Yours – What Do I Want for Me?

This is where most of us start. And sometimes, stay.
 
It’s where your emotions live—your worries, your righteous anger, your brilliant (and obviously correct) version of events.
 
But here’s the problem: when we stay locked in this seat, we react, not respond. We defend, justify, or spiral.
 
So what do you do?
Take a breath. Recognise what’s going on in your own mind. Ask yourself:
  • What’s really bothering me?
  • Am I after clarity, connection, or just to win?
  • Is the way I am behaving right now getting me closer or further away from what I really want? 
 
Why it matters:
You need your prefrontal cortex fully primed for good decision-making. When you are emotionally hijacked, it shuts down.
 
As Verywell Mind explains, pausing for just a second gives your “thinking brain” a chance to catch up with your “feeling brain.”
 
Real-life example:
You’re about to call out a team member for missing a deadline. You’re fuming. But five seconds in your own seat helps you realise—what you’re actually frustrated about is feeling let down.
 
Yes of course you want them to stop…but actually what you really want might be for them to understand why it matters to you. Preparing to enter the conversation with “I need them to stop” will get you a very different result to “What can I say to really help them understand?”

Seat 2: Theirs – What Do I Want for Them?

This one takes a bit more effort—but it’s where the magic happens.

Imagine you’re them. Not just what they did—but what they might be feeling. What pressures they’re under. What they heard when you spoke last time.

This is classic perspective-taking, and it works.
Research shows it reduces bias and improves empathy.
Here’s a simple explainer on it from Wikipedia.

Real-life example:
In that same situation, what could be going on for them? How do you NOT want them to feel when you bring it up? Probably you don’t want them to feel defensive so that their pre-frontal cortex is ready to think – not to defend themselves? You are unlikely to want them to feel so ashamed of themselves that they run away?

You are now likely to behave very differently as you PREFACE your conversation with what you want from them in mind.

Top tip:
Ask yourself, What story or lies might their brains be telling themselves about this situation?Then try exploring those. Repeating ‘You let me down again’ is not going to connect you to the truth.

 

Seat 3: What Do I Want for Us Both?

Now we come to the bit that gets missed far too often.
 
The third seat is where you look at the shared goal—the future. It’s not just about how you feel, or how they feel… but what you want to achieve together. It’s the place for hope, alignment, and repairing trust. Maybe think about what someone who had high hopes for you as a team would imagine that you could achieve – if only you could stop locking horns and really put your heads together? 
 
So how do you get there when things are heated?
Here’s a trick: use the observer view to help you. Step outside the scene like you’re watching it from the corner of the room. It’s called psychological distancing, and it gives you just enough calm to imagine a better way forward.
 
Psychology Today explains it beautifully:
 
“Self-distancing helps people cool off and gain perspective, often making wiser, more constructive decisions.”
 
Now try asking yourself:
  • If someone I cared about was watching this… what would they wish we could achieve together?
  • What’s possible here if one of us just makes the first move?

 

Real-life example:
You and a colleague are clashing over this project. They handed something in late – because they wanted it to be perfect. You are just seeing ‘you missed the deadline’.
 
You’ve both made good points, but it’s become personal. From the “us” seat, you realise—if we can shift from sparring to solving, we might build a better solution than either of us could alone.
 

Final Thought: You Don’t Need to Be Right. You Need to Be Effective.

Conversations go wrong when we charge in from our own seat and forget there are other views in the room.

Next time something’s brewing, don’t just prep your argument—shift your seat.

You might find you handle it better. Or, better still, you don’t have to handle it at all—because understanding took the sting out of it.

And that, my friend, is not bloody rocket science.

Bonus Thought: Why this Works (and Where It Comes From)

Writing this blog reminded me of a coaching tool I first came across at Henley Business School called Meta Mirror. I’ve been using it subconsciously for years—but as is often the case in coaching, we learn models to forget them. And every now and again, when you sit down to write, you realise: “Ah yes… I’ve been doing that all along.”
 
So here it is, credit where it’s due.
 
Meta Mirror is a tool developed by Robert Dilts in the world of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming), and it maps almost perfectly to the Three Seats:
  • First Position: You (your feelings, thoughts, reactions)
  • Second Position: Them (their experience, how you come across)
  • Third Position: The Shared View (what’s possible if you both step forward together)
It’s used in coaching and therapy to help people untangle messy moments, shift perspective and step into more empathetic, effective thinking. You can read more about it here:
Meta Mirror – The Pathfinder
 
We say in coaching that you ‘learn models to forget them’ This is a great case in point, I use these techniques subconsciously with clients all the time now – but had quite forgotten about the term Meta Mirror! Another great reason to write: when you share what works, you remember what shaped you! 

Option A: Find a stretch tactic, or:
Option B: Make downsides less relevant by upping a high value strength

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